The Solitude Experience Day 2 (2nd Posting)

Day 2- Afternoon

I took a five mile run. I have been training for some triathlons and races this summer and have to keep up on that training for a race this Saturday. But I also love to run. It a time and a place for me to not think about anything. A time for me to focus on breathing and talking to Jesus once my mind is clear. Today was tough. The first 2.5 were great. Downhill the whole way. The torture began when I turned around and headed back. 2.5 pretty much up hill the whole way. Once I was back at the property I went ahead and headed out on a trail for another conversation with Jesus. I am embracing it all better today. The feelings of loneliness are less powerful and I am enjoying the focused time with God. Got back to my cabin, took a shower and started reading, and reading, and reading. A few more chapters of Hosea and then some challenging articles and books on ministering to this generation of 20 somethings and younger.

Day 2- Evening

Went for another walk with Jesus after reading. I have taken a new trail each time I have been here and this trail was particularly beautiful. It followed a noisy creek that constantly had water falling over rocks or turning in a new direction. I talked to God a lot about my attitude, my weaknesses, my temptations. More than anything I sensed His love for me. But with that love a challenge to not let anything become some excuse for not continuing to grow in God’s grace. To never stop battling my sinful nature. It was good, very good.

The Solitude Experience Day 2

Day 2- morning

Well, I woke up at 6:30 AM but told myself to go back to sleep and I did. At 8 AM I rolled out of bed to see that is was raining quite a bit here. Ate some breakfast, sat on the porch reading an article about how we as preachers may not preach enough about sin. Interesting read. I agree with most of it. I feel like I don’t shy away from talking about sin, hell, and the cross, but I want to make sure I am clear every time I talk about it so to not confuse anyone. I am a strong believer in God’s conviction tugging at a heart more than my words having any true power outside of God using them.

Went for my walk with Jesus today. Prayed for my family, prayed for staff at church. Prayed a lot for our church. There is always so much going on at that place that I can easily get consumed by it. There are the administrative issues which you can’t ignore in a setting like VNC. There are things that need to get done, sermons to be prepped and bathed in prayer, lives to be invested in, unscheduled meetings, and dynamics of a staff that are there because we are real people too who need each other in this journey. I was looking for some answers this morning and got nothing. I am not expecting an audible voice, but an overwhelming sense of peace would be great to have!

The only thing that I felt led to do was to go back and start reading the book of Hosea. So that is what I have been doing right before this post. The first two chapters are a powerful demonstration of how much our God loves us in spite of our choosing sin over Him way to many times. A lot of meat in this book that I will probably do as a series in the fall… unless God has something else in mind as I read through it. Maybe it is just a message for me.

The Solitude Experience Day 1 (2nd posting)

The following posts will be copies of my journal as I experienced this time of solitude on my sabbatical. I ended up staying at the Christ in The Wilderness Spiritual Retreat Center. You can visit them online at www.citwretreat.com , a great place to get away if you are up to the challenge of a road trip and being alone with Jesus.

Day 1- Evening
I am alone. I mean I really feel alone. Its like I am having the feelings of anxiety I used to struggle with as a kid at a large gathering of people. It would probably surprise you that I still feel those feelings every now and then but have learned to get beyond them. I miss hearing my little girls laughter and talking in the background. I miss the presence of my wife. Right now I wish I was having some divine moment but instead I am just reading then calling it a night. I look forward to the walks with Jesus tomorrow. And I hope this loneliness goes away….

The Solitude Experience Day 1

The following posts will be copies of my journal as I experienced this time of solitude on my sabbatical. I ended up staying at the Christ in The Wilderness Spiritual Retreat Center. You can visit them online at www.citwretreat.com , a great place to get away if you are up to the challenge of a road trip and being alone with Jesus.

Day 1- Afternoon

Well I traveled about 3.5 hours to get away from it all. And I am away from it all. Still adjusting to that today. My original plan was to travel to a monastery in Kentucky and live a few days with the monks in solitude. That trip was about 6 hours and I had enough driving for the time being and decided the day before heading to Kentucky to see if there were any other options. I called two places. One place called me back. Christ in the Wilderness is located near Rockford, IL and is a unique setting of spiritual solitude. At any time there are only three guest in this 80 acre piece of property. Each with their own private cabin. When she called back, she said just an hour ago someone had cancelled, and that indeed I could come in the next morning.

So, here I am…I am having trouble slowing down and unwinding today. The whole ride over I realized I had the radio going the whole time. No silence in that car ride. You know how you go to a hotel and what are the first things you do….hop on the bed and grab a remote. Well there is a bed here, but no TV, no wireless, no bells and whistles…but they do have air conditioning thank goodness. Well my first hour here was spent doing an interview with a writer from the Chicago Tribune. They were doing a piece on how the economy has driven people to seek spiritual refuge to survive. I am not sure if I did a good job of answering the questions the way they wanted, but I did get a chance to be very real about my faith in Jesus and what this experience means to me.

After they left I sat down and did some reading. I brought books about prayer, leadership, preaching, and of course my Bible. Finally after about an hour I set out on a walk to talk with God. For those of you that know me well or have heard me speak about my prayer life, I like to walk and pray. I do it at the church and it was awesome to do it out here on the miles of trails. I walked and talked with God. Now, I have never heard God’s audible voice, but I do believe that I hear him more clearly when my mind is clear of all of life's distractions. I believe he speaks through the Spirit in my thoughts. I don’t know if that makes sense, but it does to me. After about an hour on the many trails they have, I am back and ready to eat dinner. Tonight, I cook a pizza (real rustic huh?). Perhaps I will post more later tonight.

And Then I Saw Jesus Part II

As we boarded the plane that night in St. Louis, we had no idea the experience that would unfold as we journeyed to Florida. Our flight had a transfer in Atlanta, and when we got on board it was packed. There were however a few open seats. Of which, one I took to sit by my wife. What we didn’t expect was a very drunk lady to sit next to Crystal as well. As the flight progressed it was obvious that she was wasted and not all there at the moment. She showed no consideration for Crystal sitting next to her as she threw herself all over the seat and occasionally sliding herself into crystal’s as well. Then to our shock as the flight attendant came around taking drink orders, both Crystal and I tried to make eye contact with her to make sure she didn’t give this poor girl any more alcohol. But, the eye contact never happened, so here she now sat with another small bottle of liquor in her hand and she put it down quickly. Crystal made some small talk to see how she was, but you could sense that people in the seats around us were not having much compassion for this lady.

The turning point came next. We were about 25 minutes out of Fort Myers when this lady gathered her things, got up from her seat and went to the front of the plane. We saw her talk to the flight attendant and then attempt to return to her seat. She stumbled down the aisle and passed us up almost falling down. Once in her seat, Crystal reached out and touched her arm and asked her, “are you okay?”

This poor woman had literally thought the flight was over and she was getting off the plane. She was now not only drunk but quite embarrassed. Crystal continued to talk to her, ask about her plans in Florida and occasionally would rub her back just as she does to our daughters. The woman expressed great appreciation to Crystal for just talking to her.

And then I saw Jesus….this time in my wife. In a moment when it was so easy for everyone to look away in disgust, my wife reached down into this woman’s painful world and showed her love…which is what I believe Jesus would have done as well. And not only did I see Jesus, but I believe others on that flight who had been so distracted by this woman’s drunkenness noticed Crystal as well. We are called to show the love of God to all, not just those that make us comfortable. That night I saw my wife demonstrate the love of God in an absolutely beautiful way.

And Then I Saw Jesus...

Crystal and I had taken the girls to my parents before we headed to Florida. They live in Central Illinois so it was easier for us to fly out of St. Louis than Chicago (and the tickets were cheaper too). So as Crystal and I made our way without children to the airport we had time to stop in St. Louis, visit with my sister and her family and get something to eat. While walking out of the restaurant and going to the van, a homeless man with one leg was asking for money. As I opened the door for Crystal to get in the van, I decided to go over and explain to the guy that I didn’t have any cash. Apparently as I moved towards him I had a very intimidating look. I know I am thinking the same thing…me…intimidating? Regardless he thought I was coming over to either verbally launch on him or physically do something to him. His response was, “hey man! I am just homeless. Just looking for help, not any trouble!”

Well after we both laughed at my “intimidation” I spent the next several minutes just talking to him. He explained how he lost his leg in a hit and run accident and then was more than willing to show me the scars from being dragged down the street. We talked about his fear of the shelters and how he was surviving at night in his “place”. After a few more minutes of conversation we shook hands and the homeless man said to the preacher, “God bless you man. Thanks for talking with me. Most people just walk by.”

As I got in the van, Crystal had some cash, so I hopped out and put it in his cup, gave him a big smile and he returned one as well. A big “God bless you” again and we drove away.
Jesus once said whatever you do for the least of these you do for me. So at first I saw a homeless guy with one leg….and then I saw Jesus.

Give and Take...

So as I began planning out this sabbatical I had set goals in mind. One was to spend some sincere quality time with my family. And not just wanting quality time I wanted to strive for quantity as well when it came to living life with my girls. The first couple weeks were all about that. The time with my daughters and wife were priceless.

Another part of my plan was to spend some time focusing on my marriage. So we loaded up the girls, headed to my parents, and after a family packed weekend together, just two of us headed out on Monday...alone. As we traveled to the airport we enjoyed the freedom found in togetherness. Then it was a week together thanks to some generous friends who made it possible for us to have a place to go on the sunny gulf coast. As we slept in, relaxed, ate, got some sun, swam in the ocean, saw some dolphins and manatees, and relaxed some more. In the midst of all that we found time to talk and time to just sit with each other doing nothing. It's that uniqueness of a relationship where sometimes silence is okay. That kind of silence that is more of comfort in some one's presence than an awkward loss of words to say.

As we talked about life, the future, parenting, and so much more we found ourselves evaluating us...our marriage...and you couldn't help but inspect your own heart. I think what I learned the most from our time away was mostly about me. I know, that sounds really selfish, but I found myself reflecting on me as a husband. Not as a dad, not as a pastor, but a husband.

Here is my disclaimer. This is my blog, my thoughts, and my marriage. I don't claim that these thoughts relate to anything but my marriage and may not relate to or work in someone else's marriage, (but I think in principle they might). Every marriage is unique and how the two spouses interact could be drastically different from how Crystal and I interact.

I think we have a healthy marriage that we refuse to take for granted, but we do NOT have a perfect marriage. We have our moments just like everyone else, but how you define "moments" may be different than how we do. So don't use my words as a weapon in any conversation you have with a spouse. Comparison to others usually leads to someone feeling hurt.

SO... these thoughts are part of my journey of not wanting to take my marriage for granted. These are also thoughts regarding me and not my wife. Don't read anything into this that is not there or think I am insinuating any kind of hidden statement to her. These thoughts are about me and how I am letting God work my heart over about life, being a dad, and in this post, being a husband.

These are the thoughts I had after spending a week with my beautiful wife. Thoughts I pondered on the plane, in the car, and in my prayers. We hear that marriage is all about being 50/50, and the idea that marriage is all about give and take. Now I don't claim to be an expert here, but I do have an idea. I think for successful marriage its not about give and take, its about just giving. And even in that giving, it has to be with the right motive of the heart. A giving that includes communicating, caring, intimacy, sharing, parenting, and so much more. In all aspects of marriage I have to make the choice to love as Christ love, putting my spouse ahead of myself. So when I give of myself in my marriage it can't be because I am looking for the "take". I can't give because I am expecting my wife to give back. I simply have to give...because I love. And guys part of that giving is understanding what our wives want from us, not just giving based off our testosterone driven understanding of life.

So, maybe when two people are "givers" we are closer to a Biblical idea of marriage. I want that to describe me in my approach to the marriage relationship. Someone who gives of themselves to their spouse with no other motive than love. Sometimes I think I do a good job of this, sometimes I think I fail miserably. So what am I learning from all this? I want to be a husband who keeps his motive in check when I give. I know the Devil tries and attack my marriage. I know my sinful nature continues to tug my heart back to selfishness. So I battle. I do battle with my sinful nature, with temptation, with selfishness. I do battle because I intend to have Crystal be my companion every day I walk this earth. And I want to give of myself, just like my Jesus did for me. I love you Crystal. Hopefully, before we get really old, I will consistently be the husband I am battling to be...for you...and for the glory of God.

I am still here...

Sitting in the Fort Myers Airport today and for a few moments enjoying the free Internet service they provide. I have a few minutes before my flight and wanted to let you know that I haven't forgotten to blog. I am heading home before my next adventure so will update the sabbatical journey from there before heading out again.

Preview: After Disney I continued my family focus on my sabbatical when Crystal and I loaded up the girls for a rugged camping trip. After that, a week of focusing on my marriage as Crystal and I were able to get away thanks to the generosity of some incredible people. And now this week I will be diving into a more personal and hopefully spiritually challenging part of the sabbatical. Can't wait to see what God has in store. Be looking for new post soon!!!

Okay, gotta go. Crystal is looking for me at our gate and didn't see me wander to a different one so I could plug in. See Ya!!!

My Final Disney Thought...I Promise...

One thing Disney does well is provide an escape. An escape from the life back home, work, or any stuff you are dealing with. It becomes a distraction from the world around you as you walk the crowded streets of the magic kingdom and you can easily get overwhelmed by this fantasy world.

So as I am walking the streets of Disney, riding the bus, and taking it all in, I noticed one profound thing. Noise. Constant Noise. Voices and sounds every step you take. Even the bus ride back to your lodging has piped in music set to the theme of your location. I found myself longing for silence. I think so many times we try and escape the world around us with distractions like Disney. It's easier to deal with life sometimes in the noise, because then we don't have to deal with ourselves. If we can just keep our mind filled with work, media, music, etc., then we can ignore who we really are.

It's in the solitude and silence that we can't escape a self evaluation. In those moments we can open our hearts and minds a little more to God's leading, to a true examining of our hearts, to asking those tough questions about our faith and trying to sort through them in prayer and the Word. I long for these times. I remember experiencing them in the Paria Canyon on our Epic trip, but I find myself longing more and more for these times with God. Like I said, its easy to give ourselves a lot of distractions in life. I am very guilty of that. Finding ways to stay busy so I don't have to deal with my own spiritual life. Finding ways to avoid conviction, silence, perhaps God's direction.

Why do we do this? Well its too easy to blame the devil, although I am confident he does try to distract us. But for the most part, I think it comes from within. We may be dying out to sin, but sin is not dying out to us. That sinful nature tries to constantly drag us back into a selfish way of living. A way of living that doesn't want to slow down and get completely honest with ourselves and God. So the struggle is within these thoughts. I want to be a follower of Christ. I want to fall more in love with Jesus and truly bring glory to God with my life. I say I want these things but do I really want them. If I really wanted them, wouldn't I be pursuing them with great passion.

And so in all this I am thankful for God's grace. A grace that helps me leave behind a selfish way of life whose motive is all about me, to a life that finds his motive in Jesus. I know I need to stay in tune with that grace. And I know to do that I need to get way from the distractions some times and find that silence and solitude that I couldn't find at Disney. How about you? Are you finding that silence and solitude with Jesus as well?

More life lessons from the Disney experience...

Okay, I over analyze things sometimes. Just ask my wife about any movie we see. I have trouble just allowing myself to get engulfed in a story, instead I am looking for the subplots, themes, or illustrations that would work well in a sermon. Sometimes it is a neat gift and sometimes it is quite annoying to those around me.

So, I am going all around Disney. Taking it all in and watching their people work. When I would go running in the morning, I would see a painting crew out making sure the light poles had that perfect coat of paint. I was constantly amazed at the amount of trash that the thousands of people produced. Yet that trash was never on the ground very long. There was always someone quickly at work making the trash disappear. They went out of their way to be friendly to all their guest. They were always doing whatever they could to make you not feel stressed. From offering to take our picture for us, to someone asking my girls for their autograph. They did everything they could behind the scenes and with their guest to make it the most "magical" experience for all their guest.

So it got me thinking about how we do church. Do we do a good job of making our guest feel so welcomed that it helps make their experience a good one. Now, I am not setting all the God factor aside in this. I understand and know that our times together are to point people to Jesus, bring glory to God and allow him to speak to us as well. But as every new person comes in our doors, they are a guest. Not a visitor, but a guest. And as a guest, our first impression team is so crucial to making sure they have no distractions that take away from what the worship experiences are all about.

So kudos to all of you who are serving the body of Christ by being a part of this first impression team. Greeting people in the parking lot is huge. Helping someone find their way to a part of the new building is huge. Helping someone find a seat, locate the nursery, and understand that in this place you are not just another person in a pew. Helping people see that they matter.

I don't want us to be Disney, but I do long for many of our people to find their way to serve within the body by being a part of First Impressions and helping everyone connect at VNC.

July 14, 2009

The part of my sabbatical that focuses on family continues. Crystal and I loaded up the girls and headed to Turkey Run for some bonding time without any TV's or media sources to distract our relationship. It was a good time. Hiking, canoing, and primitive living was good for the White family.

Especially on this trip time with my eldest daughter was really needed. Let's just say she and I have not been seeing eye to eye lately. Yet, as we walked the trails, climbed rocks, and jumped over the creek water, we connected. She and I had a special time exploring and experiencing our journey through the dreaded "trail 3". We talked, we laughed, and I let her lead. It wasn't dad shutting down her fun time, it was daddy joining her in it. It was good for the two of us that day on the trail. Sometimes in this parenting journey I am so thankful for days that don't include a scolding, discipline or life lesson that results in my children just having to listen to me. This weekend I hope she realized Dad is more than just a preacher. He is her friend, her fellow dreamer, her comedian, her partner in crime, her Daddy...who loves her very much and really wants to get this whole "daddy" thing right. I pray for my kids, but I find myself wanting to pray even more. I can't help but pray for them, that God would develop within them a spiritual maturity that is well beyond their years. Man I love my girls.

Life Lessons from disney...Part I

I am going to break the next several thoughts into a variety of post in regards to my experience at Disney with my family. The trip was all about my girls. They are at that perfect age where "dreams" become a reality in the environment called Disney. They absolutely loved their experience...I am now realizing how much I paid for that experience...ugh.







As we walked and walked throughout our stay I found myself comparing Disney and all its magic to the Fair Oaks Dairy Farm in Indiana. The rides and experiences don't compare but the closest connection is between people like me at Disney and the cows.



Disney does this incredible job of herding us like they do the cattle at the farm. I mean you literally go where they want you to go, follow the orderly lines, ride their transportation, of which you wait in line to board that too. They train you to stop for parades, get fast passes (so you feel better about waiting), eat their food, schedule meals, and many other things.











Now, in their defense, they do it all really well and they make you feel like you matter. I think we only encountered 2 not so nice disney employees. Other than that, they were all incredible.


So what is the point of this post? As a growing church we have to think through different ways to effectively minister to such a large number of people. There is no way around that. We are a larger church in comparison to the national average, so as God is doing what He is doing at VNC, we have to give our best effort to help things flow smoothly in regards to administration, facility, and dealing with a large number of people. But also at Disney I was reminded that we cannot forget to try to figure out how to help people step away from feeling like they are just part of a crowd. To where people are not just a number for our attendance records, but that they are valuable to God and therefore are valuable to us. Not as a crowd, but as a person. And so this is something we have to strive to do with consistency and passion.








Sometimes we just need to know that in a crowd of people, we are not viewed as a crowd, but as a person. May we all do a better job of connecting and celebrating life with the people in the crowd, and not just the crowd.

July 7, 2009

Sorry for the delay in posting but my Internet access over the past few weeks has not been that great. The next several post will relate to the first week of my sabbatical. It was a week focused on my kids. Two little girls who deal with a life that means their dad is a preacher and works at a church. It doesn't mean their life is more difficult, its just the reality of the world that we live in. And in that world, time with daddy sometimes isn't always what they hope for. Whether it is daddy being gone at work, having meetings, or having his mind on the church, its the world they live in.

So, I wanted this first week of my sabbatical to be about them. And it most definitely was. It seemed logical for us to continue our experience after General Assembly in Orlando by going to Disney World. After saving money and lots of planning my little princesses got to experience a week all about them having the time of their lives. I learned alot from Disney and it had me do a lot of thinking about life, culture, and the church. I will be posting these thoughts in the days to come.

The Journey begins...

For my first day of sabbatical I joined with about 30,000+ (ministerially speaking until I get a real number), I believe for the Sunday Morning worship experience of General Assembly. It was good to be reminded that we are part of a, so much bigger picture, of what God is doing all around the world. It is truely not about us. VNC is such a small part of what God is doing on a grand scale and not just in the nazarene church world, but with believers all across the planet! It is also neat to see how working as a denomination can help spread the message of Christ in so many different ways with many different resources.

June 17, 2009

I am now just a few weeks away from the journey beginning. Here is how I have broken the sabbatical pilgrimage up over the 7 weeks.

1 week focusing on being a dad and loving on my family

1 week focusing on being a husband and focusing on my marriage

1 week of solitude. Just me and Jesus at a monastery.

1 Week of Submerge. Submerging myself in the world around me. I will be traveling to Toronto to spend time with the homeless community and others of the streets of this massive city.

1 week of counter-culture. I have worked in a church, but want to spend some time doing something totally different.

As well I will be visiting many different styles of churches and am looking forward to not worry about details, sermon preparation, and actually be able to just embrace the moments of corporate worship.

I have some other things unfolding as well and will keep you up to date as I progress.

Pray for me.